Deep Fangs of Pain Within Me and What is the Antidote

It should never be that one or two struggles forever and rest all can have it easy. It should never be that one or two works across countries in mission mode and rest all can just watch, live easy. It should never be that one or two set the aura in the country, world and rest all just live within it with comfort. It should never be that one or two do the extremely difficult task of driving, pulling along while everyone jump into the passenger seat for a comfortable ride. It should be never that one person does the job of heads of state, operate as a bottom-up catalyst across societies, work-places, sectors and all other areas for years and decades all together. It should be never that one person hijacks a nation and takes over the job to set the aura in a nation how unwanted and unwilling he might be to do. It should be never that he works on behalf of who's who as proxy for free, free and free forever. What a pathetic state of affairs to be involved in for any person for years and years and decades. With so much of pain how can he operate and do his job while doing everything else along the way. How can he get rid of this pain.

As it dawns, the four years of my onsite stint is one big pathetic, pity story – the pinnacle, pathetic state of my operation in mission mode, without having anything. I don't know how I unraveled that period, how that period happened for me and how I work like that. As can be seen, a period is made up of years, a year is made up of months, a month is made up of days and a day is made up of minutes. Take a day and if we observe for quite a bit of duration, I operated without having anything – serving one and all, working in mission mode, standing up for my job and other number of things. If these periods are accumulated over every day, every month and every year, it makes up for a pathetic whole of a period. And I was destined and expected to work like that forever. Is there any comparable compensation. After going through all of this for years, I still need to struggle for every basic need by working in a job. The reason is finances among other things. Is it needed and is it required. Not many thinks so. This is the pathetic state of affairs one has to go through for the burning pain to slowly gather. This is not just the four years but this has its roots much before that.

Let me tell a small example of how worst the person lives when you look at bigger picture. In 2011, Anna Hazare’s fight against corruption captured the imagination of a nation tired of scandals and the helplessness of ordinary citizens. His fast began at Jantar Mantar in April, but it was at Delhi’s Ramlila Maidan that August that the movement became a national spectacle. Thousands gathered with tricolours and Gandhi caps, while supporters across India marched for a strong Lokpal. For many, it felt as though the voice of the common citizen could finally reach the corridors of power. After ending his fast, Hazare was hospitalised for recovery. Despite the intense confrontation with his government, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent him flowers and a get-well-soon card—a humane gesture at the end of a bitter public disagreement. I was looking at all of this and feeling the movement in the air – that Anna Hazare has set the tone of the nation with his fast and non-violent protest for fight against corruption. This defined the atmosphere in the nation – a job for the head of the state. As you can see, the PM send him best wishes for recovery and get well soon card. I felt at the point how can he do the job of another person, how can he take the steering even for a very small time of few weeks. After the message and the card, Anna Hazare never returned to the capital nor did he painted the imagination of the nation, ever. He himself might have realized the tremendous help he has done – for free and like that, for public good even if it is correct to act as such. Remember this is for few days and never happened again. Now refresh the memories. One person is helping set the atmosphere in the nation, making himself as a force behind news of nation and doing the work of top rung people since 2010. It is decade and a half and more, he is doing it still as the nation celebrates the pathetic help on offer. It is fine for few days but how in the world can he do that for weeks, months, years and decades. How in the whole world is it correct. How in the world can the regimes hide behind, take cover and operate forever. How in the pathetic history of life, can such a thing come to pass even considering his own pathetic standards of operating without having anything. Is this humanly possible and is he human or any other creature. On review, we need answers and correction and not cheer leading the pattern to continue.

Even in US, I can confess the same pattern of work for almost six years in four outings. I helped set the platform for a win in the last election in 2024 after my ground breaking onsite stint which began in 2022. I helped set the tone in the nation and made it easy for every one at the top. After the tremendous help in 2024 elections, the accumulation of acts by operating without anything, I deteriorated rapidly. First my six figure trading balance went into negative, then my bank account balance went negative, then I couldn't repay credit cards, I was scammed and defrauded when I stopped paying some loans I took for these scams, I was never given the money I was promised in all these scams and I was drowned in a pool of tears looking at the state of affairs, I was put aside in job continuously till I returned to India in a bad state of leaving a car on finance, lease-breaking a house and defaulting on loans. This is the pathetic state of mine since November 2024 or after elections or if it is a sheer coincidence. Is it myself to blame for all of this. This is the loss I endured in addition to tremendous personal loss(everything of which I cannot reveal) for acting as such in a foreign nation – crying in one hour and putting a straight face the next. I was scammed back in India as well but somehow I recovered and repaid the loan in India due to the onsite stint initially. Where can I go when I was scammed at scale while in US. I simply left the US and came back India and put my credit history in horrible state, jeopardizing my return ever to US. While going through all of this, I never stopped to work for a living, never stopped to serve and never stopped my daily activities with a hope. How much more humanly pathetic can a story get, both in home and foreign nation and how much more pain can I continue to live with while working with nothing. 

You know, what I hoped in this one-sided partnership with leaders all along – welfare of people, their good standing, service to the country and humanity, nothing else. I got nothing in this partnership but loss, the only outcome expected is great standing of nations which is realised more than anyone's wild imaginations. When this good standing and future is realized and after a while, you feel you are overutilised, feeling the pain more than the gain. I am in such a period and state of trying to find my healing in any way possible.

What is the Antidote? 

The heal in remote way is respectable, decent living with clear compensation, not for everything endured and lived through but for everything to live in the future. The second is decent pause from my activities or a paid break of 1 or 2 years. I am not asking more. This can reduce my pessimist outlook for the world and towards all those who took advantage of me. As it appears, taking care of me and putting me in good shape is a burden to take care of a nation, since long. When this falters, things go out of hand, as it is ongoing. One cannot enjoy power and stay put forever with forever help but struggle to add meaning to meaning, add medicine to treatment and give antidote to pain in society. If not, I will still do my job, while doing, take a wave along but entirely grieve at my helpless state to serve and help everyone else without my intentions and control. Involuntary and unwilling service continues while the pain lingers. Hope it is not.