Thoughts In A Wandering Mind

             There are instances in every ones journey through life where we are rated more than what we are capable of. As a kid, I often showed sparks of brilliance which prompted my elders to have high expectations from me. But time and again I proved them wrong. I shine at my own level but not at the level they thought about me. This recurred so many times as I grew up that the hollow me delivered little amid high expectations in a situation. This is what my real self is – to drive people think greatly about me but actually deliver very less. To take an example, I started to write these weekly posts which made people think highly about me and assume me as something and something. They think – ‘he is writing every week, seemingly has everything and can do anything’. They simply can’t get over the veil of expectations and see the big nothing in me. Welcome to the over-rated club for which I am the President.          ...

                 While I am writing serial blog posts on personal experiences and covid-19, it might look in some angles like I am crazy doing all this. It is crazy because nothing is real about this blogging. I don’t get any direct comment on the post. I lose a night sleep every week without getting anything in return. I lose many hours in thinking about the present, past and future posts. I assume all my readers as anonymous with no one giving any direct comment or feedback. I read through tweets of anonymous readers for indirect comment or feedback. This blog-writing in a way is a classic example of highest levels of hallucination or delusion – the author is anonymous, readers are imaginary, feedback or comment is indirect or imaginary, the effect it produces is imaginary and finally everything about it is a big imagination.              ...

             It has been nearly 10 weeks or more since I started to post weekly updates. This more frequent approach has taken its toll on me. It has to do with trying to reach expectations followed by lot of thinking on the past and future posts. Dangerous levels are reached so much so that a small nagging pain has started in my head. I thought of discontinuing the weekly exercise but still going ahead for now. I may stop at any time if I found it to be overpowering me. My plan was to reach 10 posts and stop the serial. I can be content with what I have achieved given my limited faculties. But these days greed has overtaken me and I have given in to it. It has become one of the perspectives through which my work can be seen. Many a time these days, I was never satisfied with what I did in a short span of time and always want more. The decision making neurons are favouring the greedy option and sending me ahead in that direction.     ...

         One of the cornerstones of my existence till now is I am an anonymous and imaginary force. I am restricted to imagination without concretely creating a real life story. I am living my life which does not require coming into open. But I work on things, write on stuff and affect areas which are far beyond my own self and affecting the society. While I do a lot of work anonymously, I think that important persons such as me should come into the open for much better application of force. From my present position when I talk about something – say people are dancing to my tunes, it can be struck off as imaginary though it can be a reality as well. You need to give a name to the anonymity, you need to come into open and not operate from fringes, you need to become a reality that you are for maximising the benefit people get from the aura. Since I am the one who is getting a lot of traction and everyone is counting upon, it would be good if I can shape up to...